I'm so sorry...

...for my laptop! It is literally groaning under the pressure! Yeah, literally. The tiny fan inside sounds like a very loud phone when it's in vibrate mode! Also sometimes like that etching machine in the steel shops used to write names on steel utensils! (Great example!!)

No space; I can afford to download just three more movies. It is on for almost the whole day. Barely four hours of rest I suppose on an average. I always forget to switch off the charger; this is the third charger I'm using and I still haven't learnt my lesson. There is something very wrong with the wiring in our house. Something to do with the earthing. So in the evenings, I should be extra careful handling this laptop because when I touch some parts of it, I get a shock! Luckily, not too many softwares so performance is just as good as it always was. But there are too many files and and too little ram space - because there are at least ten windows open all the time- so Search is damn slow. And there are too many files to remember their locations so I need to search every little thing. HIMYM, Friends, Harry Potter, movies are the the only locations I can open without searching.

Too many signs of aging! :-(

On both of us!! :-( :-(

:)

I have buried my mobile deep inside my cupboard all these days for no apparent reason. Okay maybe a for a few stupid reasons. I took it out today and was checking it. Felt so good, like meeting an old friend! My sweet mobile!! And I was smiling oh-so-wide playing some of my forgotten songs...

So I was going through those photos and here are a few that I like so much.

My newest accomplishment :) 

Uploading here is taking so long... So Picasa link

Orange!!

Why promise someone something and live a lie to keep that promise?

This is the theme/moral that I gathered from this movie. I just saw this movie and I wanted to say so much about it. And now I forgot what that was!

Whatever it was, it will sum up to this -- the movie sucked, songs were awesome!

At one point, no at so many points, I felt like banging my head on the nearest wall. But I sat through the whole movie because if the songs. Simply because of them. Two hours after the movie and I'm still listening to those songs :)

The movie had a good motive or idea rather. But it was communicated rather badly; like the script got misplaced and the movie was made based on the rough draft of the script. And there are soooo many atrocities that I won't list here.

Actually the only reason I'm even writing this now is because I'm feeling a little guilty :-/ There are a few symbolic references to smoking. The guy smokes. (For full details watch the movie) Naturally his friends, family, girlfriend don't approve of it. The guy starts feeling like they are trying to rob a bit of him. 

I do that too! I realised maybe I'm a bit prudish. Aaaand so, now on I'll try not to do that. Hopefully.

Crazy easy life!

It's wonderfully cold in the mornings these days when I wake up. My room so warm and the air smells of rain! I'd always want to sleep a little more. And I do! 

I can soak up in all the books I own. I can read them as much as I want, as long as I want - late into night, all day long, even while eating, with absolutely nothing nagging at the back of my head that I might be late for something, or I should get enough sleep or anything at all!

I can watch TV as long as I want. I can laugh at the silliest things without checking myself that someone might think I'm weird. 

I can eat happily. Home food! If I want to eat junk stuff, I can have that too! Now that I don't have to cook as a rule, I find cooking very interesting. I can cook whenever I feel like it.

I have a phone that had stayed with me through thick and thin :-D. I can call, text whenever I miss someone from the outside world. I can sit on the internet if everything else is boring.

If I get too bored with all the relaxing, I can start studying. It is hard work and it makes me tired by the end of the day. For the first time, feeling tired feels good! 

And if I feel sorry for myself that I have been working too hard, I can simply sit and watch the world go by! Just sit and sip the awesome coffee mom makes anytime I ask for one. Just sit by the window looking at the trees, birds, kids, anything and start dreaming with a big, content smile on my face. Sit and do nothing! 

Because I have all the time in the world!

BUT.....

I also happen to have a precious little conscience, that NEVER allows me to enjoy any of it!! Grrrrrr...! It - the stupid conscience - always keeps pricking me that I have to leave all this, that I have to try and work my ass off so that I can find another blood-sucking, slow-death inducing job!! It simply wants me to go find WORK and wants me to stop being content and HAPPY!!

Life is so unfair. It is some kind of a evil, twisted paradox isn't it?? 

Love at its purest - Mooga Manasulu

Maanu maakunu kaanu 

Rayi rappanu kaanekaanu

Maamulu manishini nenu

Nee manishini nenu!

Naakuu oka manasunnadi 

Nalugurila aasunnadi

Kalalu kane kallunnay

Avi kalatha padite neellunnayi... 

Pemidanu techi vottini vesi

Samurunu posi bema supeva!

Intha sesi eliginchenduku 

Enakamunduladeva!

Madisi thoti yelakolam aadukunte baaguntadi

Manasu thoti aadaku maava.. irigipote atakadu malla... 

Maanu maakunu kaanu 

Rayi rappanu kaanekaanu

Maamulu manishini nenu

Nee manishini nenu!

I always feel so bad when I see this movie. So many innocent people, so much emotion and a cruel fate. It's an old telugu movie and it is a typical plot but this movie always is always one of my favourites.

And this is one of my favourite songs! Beautiful song, touching lyrics - simple words, straight from the heart!

Whatever happened to leading a simple life! We want to complicate things. I mean some of the new songs now are....I don't know they try too much! Trying too hard to rhyme, to sound catchy and smart and cheeky! They are completely out of place, no where related to the story; simply there because a movie should have six songs, as if there's a rule!

Anyway I don't want to complain more. I'm not a poet and I don't know anything about it. But I can tell when I did or didn't like something.

I'll go back to listening to that song! :-)

Inception...finally!

I was a little busy when Inception was running in theaters and I regretted a lot later that I missed it. So I had to wait till the dvd release. I got it now and finally watched it! It was superb!! There are so, sooo many good reviews out there about this movie, and it is already one of the top ten movies in imdb. So I wont waste time gushing how good the movie is. I just want to dwell on some of the tiny details a geek could not help but notice.

• I wish I knew the technical details of the Inception thing. I mean the audience only gets to know what it does but not 'how'. They have little tubes taped to their wrists and that's it! They immediately start dreaming. 

• There are two important people in those dreams (movie is all about dreams y'know) - the subject and the dreamer. But it is the subject's 'world' the dreamer gets to see. I mean I would have thought it is the other way round. That is how normal dreams are at least. I guess it's a part of the equipment's functionality. Or maybe that is one of the main functions of it! 

• There are 'levels' of dreams; dreams within the dreams. This concept is lost on me. And its theory sounded a bit hypothetical. I believe that human subconscious is really powerful yet it is very vague. The concept of dream within a dream should imply that subconscious has another subconscious - a sub-subconscious. This is a little presumptuous. Presumptuous especially because of the time rule of these dreams... 1st level : 10 secs = 2nd level 3mins = 3rd level 1 hour. I can agree that 5 min in real world = 1 hour in a dream; mind works faster and "discovers" a lot on the way. But can you really apply the same rule to second and third levels of dreaming? I don't think so. The 'depth' of subconscious, I feel, is a totally different thing. It only deals with depth - you have to dig deeper to find things inside. But is it really possible that as you dig deeper, your mind gets more powerful? Either presumptuous or I should learn Freudian theories and then come back to comment. 

• Sedated people dying in that dream would be brain dead when they wake up. This, again, must have something to do with the machine or the sedative which should have some kind of effect on the brain directly when dreaming. Otherwise this theory is so not true. I had two dreams in which I died! I'm not joking!! That dream used to end there. I don't remember waking up either. I used to scared like hell though, but I never used to tell anyone because these people worry a lot! 

[[Someone who saw this movie said it was an original concept and this movie is the first of its kind. No, there were other movies like this before. Vanilla sky and Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind almost the same concept. ]]]

Dead Letters...PK!

Dear PK,

You are the most genuinely sweet person I have ever known. So pure of heart, kind and gentle. I'm so happy that I got to know a person like you. Not only because you are a great person, but you came in at a point of my life when everything was falling to pieces and you made me believe in good again. People we meet in life leave behind their impressions. You have left behind a stronger impression than you would realise. I'll ever be so grateful to whatever that has caused our friendship and to you for just being you.

Gratefully yours.

Dead Letters.....A!

Hi!

It really makes me sad that I'm writing you this. Because you really deserve and I really want to be writing a real letter instead of a sad lament at a dead end. So... Why am I still doing this? Because I'd rather be away than be dishonest. I would never willingly lose someone like you, but somehow that is what I had to do. You are honest, sweet, caring, practical, sensitive, and the best! You were the one of the first ones to have started entering into my diary :-). You are one of the very few people in the world who could make the demons of my past fade away. You have never, ever failed to cheer me up and make me happy. You gave me some the most memorable memories ever!

I always hoped it's never goodbye. And it kills me now knowing that is probably was goodbye after all! You hold a very special place in my heart.

Dead Letters.....K!

Hi

You're a naturally honest person..did you know that? Unnaturally, your honesty never gets you into trouble.

You, again, were a blessing to me. I probably would have given in if it weren't for you.Sometimes, I even feel glad that we both were going through difficult times, because otherwise I never would have realised how great a person you are.

It is always great to know there is someone out there like us, and it gives us great comfort just knowing we aren't alone. I have learned so much because of you. No, you have never "told" me to do anything, but just being your friend has taught me so much.

Cranky

I was in a really bad mood so started a movie. That movie sucked. Mood still bad.

I hate it when people talk behind my back. Well, who doesn't. Sucks. Sucks more when these people are your friends. Life has got a sucky way of teaching you lessons. As you grow old, the number of people you trust come down exponentially. At some point, you get so freaked about how you are losing the number of people you can trust that you cling desperately to the ones that you are left with. These people become utterly precious all of a sudden. And all of a sudden they have a very high potential to hurt you.

Ok, I'm getting a little dramatic. I just wish these people would talk to me instead talking among themselves. If they did I'd tell them what the matter really is.

I could go on, but it'll only get worse. I'll feel bad later that I said all those things. 

Laila

Long ago, I read somewhere about this social experiment. A person was so frustrated with the modern world, don't know the reason, that he came up with this idea of "machine-free day". The idea, as the name says, was to avoid using any kind of machines for a whole day. So, he went to few of his neighbours to implement this ingenious, slightly eccentric idea, conveniently on a Sunday. Things turned out bad and this experiment was a failure.

Almost the same kinda thing happened with me when the cyclone Laila had hit the south-east coast. I was home and it was my birthday too. No one expected this one (the cyclone) to be that strong. It lasted for four days. Day one, by that evening there was no charge in my pone battery. Both the phone batteries. Day two morn, all the phones in my home were dead; landline dead since day minus 43! No power all the three days. So no computer and laptop too. Everyone stayed home. By five in the evening, candles were lit. One for each room. We had enough candles in the house to last for another month but mom took out the very old hurricane lanterns and lit them. It was so beautiful! 

Days were what a cloudy, rainy day should be like - grey, cold, leaks if there are any, and wet! Somehow, my home was so cheery. No body left home, so it was always a little too crowded. No schools too, so there were always kids around. I have learnt so many new games! There was little else to do for the grownups to do other than sit around and chit chat. This time because of the "no machines for 3 days" game, the non-grownups were involved in the yapping too. I did not want to do anything else but simply sit in my room and read all the Harry Potters. And I did. It was just awesome. It feels so good to sleep in on a rainy day. So I used to be up all night reading in the candle light and sleep during the morning. Gas stove does not need electricity. So, thankfully we were all properly fed and more importantly, there was coffee anytime I wanted. No one objected!

And so many little things like that. It gave me a taste of what was like in the olden days. The days were longer. In a wonderful way. Things were slower. You get to talk to others without a million things on your head. 

No machine day! Worked out fine for me. Wonder why that guy's didn't!! ;-)

My own world, my own rules!

One of my very strong (I’d like to think so at least!) principles is to never (or rarely) gossip about others. But I break this rule more than often. So this is a little justification to appease my pricking conscience!

The other day I was telling my mom about how I hate people who gossip a lot and spread bad rumours. This tirade went longer than necessary and we ended up bitching about a certain person. Like all the bad things in life, you really enjoy it at first and you really, really feel bad later. Like all the bad things you did in life, you can’t take any of it back. Late that night, I was wishing that I din say all those things I said. But anyway, after sometime, I came up with this theory. 

Let me brief a little. Let’s call the person in question “X”. I had heard that this X person has been bad mouthing about one of my favourite aunts. I was a little angry and so I started bitching about her with my mom. If I put aside the fact that the aunt was my favourite and if I’m being unbiased, I have to say that this X had a point. A little exaggerated, but yes she had a point. My aunt deserved a bit of all those rumours; she wasn’t being exactly honest, good etc. But that X, like I said, has crossed limits. So the X deserved my bitching! Ha ha! 

Forget this stupid, boring story. But the point is this: We need people like X to put others in check. And to check on X, there will be a Y somewhere. It’s cyclic!

Murderer!!!

Terrible title, yes, but the story is terrible too.

My brother bought a fish tank, and a tiny fish. I don't like fish or any aquatic creature so my opinion will be unfair but everyone else thought that the fish was so cute. The first few days were great for that fish - fresh water twice a day, food four or five times and so many admirers. As the days went by naturally this fish got boring for everyone, especially for its owner. It was being seriously neglected - fresh water only when it rains, food when someone comes across the food can and people were not even noticing it. So the poor thing was lazing around the unclean tank and it looked like it was getting ill (I sincerely hope it has been ill!!)

One day after listening to so many people pitying the condition of that fish, I thought I should do the needful; like fresh water, food etc. Now you have to keep in mind that I really, really hate fish. They're slimy, slippery and creepy. I started filling in fresh water. Somehow the fish slipped and fell down, out of the tank, and somehow after a long long looong five minute struggle, I got the thing back in. But I was too late. It was alive when I put it back in. But by the next morning it was dead. Dad has taken it away before I woke up and everything. But the deed is done. Those five minutes when that fish was out of its tank will be my most horrifying experience - that fish jumping all over the place, me screaming for someone to come, and trying to hold that thing and leaving it the moment I touched it, aaaaargh!!! I don't want to think about that . Even now as I'm typing, I can hear my own heart beat, my stomach is clenched tight and I'm breathing with difficulty. 

My emotions, reactions are not very strong. ["I'm serene" / "I'm passive" -- pick your choice.] There were other more serious and terrifying incidents in my life but by far this is the one to which my reaction was the strongest. Yeah, I know I know! This whole thing is not even a 'thing' in normal, sensible, grownup world and it is too childish and immature but I cant help what's happening to me, right? 

P.S: I'm a non-vegetarian. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still a non-vegetarian

Tipping the balance

I make a good example of an Introvert. The textbook definition is something like "A person who tends to shrink from social contacts and to become preoccupied with their own thoughts". Half of the definition implies "self-involved"; this does not necessarily mean egotistic however. The other half implies "alone" but lets not get into that now.

A snippet of the conversation I had today with a person I knew:

Me: ..you know you do not honestly deserve this. Feels wrong.

X: But everyone else is doing so! Why not me? And how is it wrong?

Me: I don't know...this is one step behind bribery.

X: So? I'm not working for the ACB!

Me: ACB?? That is not the point. By the way, all the people who think bribery is wrong are not in ACB.

X: OK look, if I was in a government office I would not shy away from cashing in! [with a big grin]

This is not the first person I have come across, to have approved of something like this. This is what is troubling me. A lot!

Maybe my mind is a closed one. I have been watching Anniyan and Indian and movies like that and helped me build my "ethics". This is where my elaborate introvert definition comes into picture. I'm so self-involved that I have been living in my own little world. In this little world, the people who are corrupt live in a land far, far away. But it so happens that, in the real world, these people actually live around me and they are the very same ones I see everyday; almost everyone - from the newspaper guy to the highly respected uncle in the family. There might be a few others in the family too! And some young ones who are in the process of getting corrupt right now. I cannot be sure of my friends either. All this I have realized only now!

Money is good. It feeds us, provides us with comforts and earns respect in the society. But money is good only to a certain extent. This extent varies with each person. Beyond this extent, it brings out a whole new colour in us.

But whatever is your extent, this is wrong! I don't care how otherwise a good person you are or how much you have suffered because your classmate's dad was rich and not yours, you just can't do this! I know you love cars and you told me you would kill for a good bike; but I thought it was just an expression! Murder is only two steps ahead of bribery, isn't it? That is was Vikram says in that movie anyway. And I think he is right. I mean you start treading on a path with ankle deep mud, you would not mind knee deep dirt, would you?

The only reason why I am saying all this here is... I also happen to be a coward. [Defn: Lacking courage; ignobly timid and faint-hearted]. This is a very mild, slow platform. I'm allowed to say anything here. Outside, in the real world, I cannot say all this and I can never stand my ground.

Also, I am not claiming that I am completely honest or that I followed rules all my life or that I never did anything wrong. It's my opinion. An opinion that surfaced today because I had this conversation. I will probably forget all this in a day. But right now I am a little agitated.

I just hope I will still feel the same way all the time. Especially if I'm in a position where I have the chance to say no.

No reason for writing

Normally I'm supposed to be worried, nervous may be a little scared even. None of them as of now, thank you very much! I am confident that I can hold this "calm" for quite sometime. Hopefully I will. But I sure am irritated. Very much.

The thing is I'm not sure anymore that this "calmness" is the the result of me being strong. Maybe I'm just don't have enough emotion. And this definitely is not good. I am either living in denial or I am completely or I just don't care enough. All the three sound so terrible.

Cribbing again. If something goes wrong, I immediately put the blame on someone or something else. This time I cannot even do that. Which why I'm so frustrated.

I can only wish that everything would go well.

It is good to be strong. But the effort it takes, voluntary or involuntary, is terrifying. 

Umm..

It's been a long day. It will be long days from now on for quite sometime. I'm NOT complaining!!

I'm really surprised at myself. I'm rather calm and not even a bit nervous, worried or anything. I don't want to call this "denial" because it sounds so pessimistic and a little pathetic. I think I just know it will be fine. OK, I'm NOT challenging the destiny or God or whatever is controlling. Please, I'm really not! I just want to sound and feel confidant.

But me being not worried does not really solve anything. I know. But I'd like to think this is a good attitude. I have to admit though that a tiny part of me is worried. Not because of what's happening but it's me. When I'm like this, unusually calm, there is always a storm ahead. When that comes I panic and trouble follows. I hope it is not like that. Please let it all be OK... Please!

I don't want to stress too much on this point but... There is going to be a LOT of pressure. No, not the depressing kind of pressure but the one that helps us GROW and toughen ourselves.

There are problems someplace else too. This is a different case. I hate not being able to help. This is not the first time too! But people never listen when I say they deserve better. Adamant idiots! You see it is times like this I was talking about! You never listen!! I really hate not being able to do anything..!!

Well. Can't do anything now except WAIT. Hmm...

Can't find my diary!

Things I never thought I'd do:

1. Cook
2. Making my brother study!
3. Helping my mom clean the house without her asking me
4. Waking up before sunrise and read newspaper in one go

And 3 others I don't want to mention (Ok don't get ideas... just silly things that no one else would understand)

I did all of these on the same day! I'm not complaining or anything but this (mini)realization hit me last night while I was trying to sleep. I was wondering if this is how all the grown ups become 'boring' and always stick to the same routine. 'Boring' is a word little harsh, but isn't that what we have been complaining of them since preteens? Now we are growing too and we will be one of them. You would have to do things like these, the things you have always hated, because you wouldn't have a choice. I have been sitting at home for almost a year now. I see my mom doing the very same thing every single day. I have a very disturbing feeling that mothers especially are the happiest when they're asleep. Because I hardly see my mom smile. Except when my brother is around making silly jokes. Otherwise mothers are either worried or tired or angry! I was felt sad. I pitied her too! And my pity was so overwhelming that I had to tell this to someone. And so I told my brother. That wise ass replied something like "look who's talking!". I had to shut up! This was insulting... Hmph! I'll get back at him someday...you'll see!

So I had to open my book. And the answer was right in front of me. I was reading something about motivation and leadership. In that there is this topic on employee needs, etc. One of the important category of human needs is 'Safety needs'. Humans like to have safe, orderly and predictable life. Simply put, we want our lives to boring; boring here meaning 'routine'. We might occasionally want to slip away from this everyday cycle and take a 'holiday' but after the end of the holiday, we always would want to come back home!

Ok enough time wasted. Getting back to leadership theories. Pretty interesting actually.