No reason for writing

Normally I'm supposed to be worried, nervous may be a little scared even. None of them as of now, thank you very much! I am confident that I can hold this "calm" for quite sometime. Hopefully I will. But I sure am irritated. Very much.

The thing is I'm not sure anymore that this "calmness" is the the result of me being strong. Maybe I'm just don't have enough emotion. And this definitely is not good. I am either living in denial or I am completely or I just don't care enough. All the three sound so terrible.

Cribbing again. If something goes wrong, I immediately put the blame on someone or something else. This time I cannot even do that. Which why I'm so frustrated.

I can only wish that everything would go well.

It is good to be strong. But the effort it takes, voluntary or involuntary, is terrifying. 

Umm..

It's been a long day. It will be long days from now on for quite sometime. I'm NOT complaining!!

I'm really surprised at myself. I'm rather calm and not even a bit nervous, worried or anything. I don't want to call this "denial" because it sounds so pessimistic and a little pathetic. I think I just know it will be fine. OK, I'm NOT challenging the destiny or God or whatever is controlling. Please, I'm really not! I just want to sound and feel confidant.

But me being not worried does not really solve anything. I know. But I'd like to think this is a good attitude. I have to admit though that a tiny part of me is worried. Not because of what's happening but it's me. When I'm like this, unusually calm, there is always a storm ahead. When that comes I panic and trouble follows. I hope it is not like that. Please let it all be OK... Please!

I don't want to stress too much on this point but... There is going to be a LOT of pressure. No, not the depressing kind of pressure but the one that helps us GROW and toughen ourselves.

There are problems someplace else too. This is a different case. I hate not being able to help. This is not the first time too! But people never listen when I say they deserve better. Adamant idiots! You see it is times like this I was talking about! You never listen!! I really hate not being able to do anything..!!

Well. Can't do anything now except WAIT. Hmm...

Can't find my diary!

Things I never thought I'd do:

1. Cook
2. Making my brother study!
3. Helping my mom clean the house without her asking me
4. Waking up before sunrise and read newspaper in one go

And 3 others I don't want to mention (Ok don't get ideas... just silly things that no one else would understand)

I did all of these on the same day! I'm not complaining or anything but this (mini)realization hit me last night while I was trying to sleep. I was wondering if this is how all the grown ups become 'boring' and always stick to the same routine. 'Boring' is a word little harsh, but isn't that what we have been complaining of them since preteens? Now we are growing too and we will be one of them. You would have to do things like these, the things you have always hated, because you wouldn't have a choice. I have been sitting at home for almost a year now. I see my mom doing the very same thing every single day. I have a very disturbing feeling that mothers especially are the happiest when they're asleep. Because I hardly see my mom smile. Except when my brother is around making silly jokes. Otherwise mothers are either worried or tired or angry! I was felt sad. I pitied her too! And my pity was so overwhelming that I had to tell this to someone. And so I told my brother. That wise ass replied something like "look who's talking!". I had to shut up! This was insulting... Hmph! I'll get back at him someday...you'll see!

So I had to open my book. And the answer was right in front of me. I was reading something about motivation and leadership. In that there is this topic on employee needs, etc. One of the important category of human needs is 'Safety needs'. Humans like to have safe, orderly and predictable life. Simply put, we want our lives to boring; boring here meaning 'routine'. We might occasionally want to slip away from this everyday cycle and take a 'holiday' but after the end of the holiday, we always would want to come back home!

Ok enough time wasted. Getting back to leadership theories. Pretty interesting actually.